What Is It About Women and Attention?

[Officially Retired]

I think you summed it up perfectly with that quote because the sacrifice also has to fall on her lap too, funny thing is often we are asked to "Man up," and CLEARLY with the vision you possess along with all of your projectss you are seeking to better the future for both of you.

That is pretty much how I see it. No one ever achieved their goals in life watching TV and going out on the town all the time.

Well, as a last resort, you can try the old "datenight" BS that therapists always recommend, or just make the hard decision, and the sooner the better, sadly. Either way, as with death even, life goes on and time heals almost everything

She says she's going to come out on the weekends, but thinks I should come out to see her too on the weekends. I told her I will briefly, but I cannot leave all my dogs alone overnight. That is just not going to happen.

Sometimes culling certain people out of our lives is the HARDEST thing to do, but unquestionably it sometimes MUST be done.

And sometimes you have to just sit back and allow people to cull themselves from your life, if that is their decision.

Again, wish you the best and much continued success!

Thank you



____________________________________
____________________________________

how confident is she that you really love her? is she just "there" in your life or do you ever try to make her feel special?

Apparently, not very. She believes that my over-focus on these projects proves I don't love her enough, that "something else" is more important to me than she is. As the second question, I do plenty. Every piece of art equipment she's using I bought for her to help her achieve her goals. I tell her I appreciate her all the time, give her affection all the time, but it's not enough I guess.



____________________________________
____________________________________

Jack while I hate to hear about this I do think you guys may want to have a sit down conversation about what you are doing and why you are doing it. But remember the voices must not be raised or no one should seemed controlled. Just open honest comms about the benefit of the work your doing for the both of you.

I have done that with her at least 2 dozen times.

I told her before I began, and I have tried to reassure her multiple times throughout. But, after a complaint-fest last week, she just made a deposit on a new place and is fixing to move out.

I don't know her side but I will tell you that it sounds as if she has some issues with abandonment. If this is the case this is something you cannot fix for her she has to seek the help needed to get this issues out on the table and delt with.

You are a very perceptive man, sir, as IMO that is exactly what the problem is. She had a shitty childhood that involved constant abandonment. Her father left her mother, and her mother abandoned Tina to be raised by her grandparents. Her mother would tell her that she'd come see her on the weekend ... and Tina would wait all day and her mother would never show. And while living with her grandparents, Tina's grandfather abused her. All of this adds up to some pretty serious, pretty shitty stuff to happen to an innocent little girl.

She ran away and was on her own at 16 and got married at 20 and had a son. Even though her husband would cheat on her, wouldn't pay the light bill, and would abandon her days at a time, Tina stayed married for 20 years because she refused to abandon her own child, like she was abandoned, and she refused to have him come from a broken home, like she came from. When he turned 18, she immediate divorced her husband and that is when we met. After a month, she literally told me, "You're too good to be true, you're too good for me, I am damaged goods," so her opinion of herself is very low.

I told her this was pure bullshit, that she was the sweetest most caring woman I had ever met, and that she had many wonderful things to offer. I tried to tell her that she should never think of herself badly in any way, over the behavior of others in the past. This early psychological ruin she experienced is exactly why Tina is so fiercely involved with disadvantaged children. She works with the Guardian ad Litem on her own time, which protects abused children. She works with autistic children and those with cerebral palsy to try to give them constant love in her life.

She has a lot of amazingly creative, positive qualities about her ... and a truly awesome amount of love to give ... but nothing seems to overcome her basic feeling of inadequacy, not to mention her basic mistrust of men. (She often accuses me of trying to start new relationships online.) This basic mistrust of men has been ingrained in her since very early, and it really seems like there is no way to get it out of her. In the end, I think you are right, there is nothing I can do to fix it ... and in the end I think she was right: it's not that I am too good for her (hell, she is probably too good for me) ... but I really do think she may simply be "damaged goods" ... and the tragedy is, it is not her fault, and yet no amount of reassurance can seem to bring her out of it.

It seems like her needs for constant attention and reassurance are unfillable ... and that only when she's getting 100% attention is she happy ... and the reality of the situation is, I cannot give her this kind of undivided attention and get these colossal projects accomplished.

I think I told you before that on wednesday nights I run a mens group and we go over these issues every week. So you are not alone in this battle.

Thank you again, good sir. You sound like you would make a very good counselor/friend in that capacity.



____________________________________
____________________________________

jack, iv never met a woman who was reasonable, lol.
i spend almost every day doing something with my last ex girlfriend. we been together for 2 years. i had promised her to watch a movie one day.. which we did at least 3/4 times a week. then a good friend of me who i had not seen a long time called me up and told me he was in town. so i told her i was going to visit him and we'd watch that movie tomorrow. well the biggest fight broke out with the most unimaginable accusations. ended up braking up that night.
you got a reason to be mad for? within 2 minutes she got a reason to mad at you and your point dont even matter no more
dont even try to argue with a woman when she's mad. of course its easy to shut her up. but that aint helping the situation either : )
iv got a tip for you. if she wants to leave you. think good what you want to tell her, do it one time. make sure you say everything you want to say. then let her think about that.
dont put any pressure on her, nor keep texting, calling her thinking to make things right. it will make things worse.
if you love something let it go if it comes back to you it's yours. if it doesn't it never was
this is rly true.
good luck

That is pretty much what I have decided to do, is let her go.

I care about her greatly, but I am not "desperate" for her or anyone else. I don't want her to go, but yet I am not going to do backflips or beg her to stay either. Even though she had a terrible childhood, and has a lot of issues, the fact of the matter is she is an adult now and she has to make adult decisions. I have gone through all of these issues with her ... and I have told her not everyone is like that. My parents have been married for 52 years. No cheating ever. My two brothers are married for 25 and 16 years respectively. No cheating ever. My dad's sisters were married until their husbands died. No cheating ever. My mom's brother and sister were married until their spouses died, and only my aunt (non-related) cheated on my blood-related uncle. I told her that commitments really can last, if the people say what they mean and mean what they say ... but the belief has to be in there to the marrow of the bone.

At the end of the day, it is up to her to trust me, and to have faith in what I am doing ... because if she does then anything is possible ... but if she does not, then there is no point in taking another step forward together.

Jack